Avengers: Everything's Explodin'

I own something like a metric fuckload of Avengers comics. Okay, fine, it's just one longbox, but it's full, and those things get heavy when you're a nerd with spindly little arms like me.

How'd I become such a big Avengers fan? I guess the Infinity Gauntlet mini-series dragged me into comics. And who wasn't in the Infinity Gauntlet? (Answer: only Angar the Screamer was left out. Man, he sucks. Screaming Mimi dumped his ass and then became a good guy just to get away from him, that's how much he sucks.) You hear about those kids in the 1950s or whenever buying JSA or JLA or whatever comic cavekids read back then doing so because it featured "ALL YOUR FAVORITE HEROES IN A BOOK-LENGTH ADVENTURE!" and I fell for that, too, in 1991. I thought Captain America standing up to Thanos was bad-assed, you know? So I started reading the Avengers. And the stuff Bob Harras did with Steve Epting around this time wasn't too awful. Maybe I'm biased because that's where I started, but you won't see me defending The Crossing or anything like that.

Put simply, I liked the characters, and I wanted to read as much about them as possible. I traded in all my early Image stuff and my entire Valiant comics collection to fill up the aforementioned longbox. Archer and Armstrong wasn't bad, but I think I enjoyed the Avengers stuff a lot more... Korvac, Kree-Skrull War, that thing with Thor and Hawkeye traveling back in time to the old west... Roger Stern and the Siege of Avengers Mansion. That last one made me shed a manly tear, it did.

This "Avengers Disassembled" arc kicks off in Avengers #500, not to mention spinning off into every Avengers-related title (and some that aren't) and as much as my fanboyish adoration of these characters has kept me reading the series through some awful shit, and as slightly enjoyable as the Bendis preview is, well... I dunno. I don't really care. I've seen Tony Stark mind-controlled and the Vision betray the Avengers and the Mansion blown up and attacked and whatever so many times, and just because it's done well, and it's not by Geoff Johns or Chuck Austen, doesn't mean I want to see it again.

So, what we got?

Well, we got Jack of Hearts returning...

Ka-Blammo?

And then we have a melty Vision-piloted Quinjet kerashing...

Ka-Blammo.

BLARGH.

So, like, lots of stuff blows up, taking several pages to do so, Ant-Man II is dead, the Vision betrays the Avengers and melts, as mentioned, and a bunch of balls pop out of him and morph -- 'cause no one's tired of things morphing into things -- into a bunch of Ultrons. For like the 500th time. Not to mention the exchange at the beginning between Ant-Man II and Hawkeye about Hawk's "can't-have" list of women. And I get a bit fanboyish and wonder, well, the guy's wife is dead, but that didn't stop him from boffing Moonstone over in Thunderbolts; he spent some time slippin' it to Black Widow when they were both villains; so what's stopping him from breakin' a little off for Viper in all her green-tinted glory? Guess that's what I get for reading Avengers so long and, like, thinking about stuff.

I've changed a bit as a comics reader over the years. As time has worn on, I've learned more about the artists and writers behind the books, and figured out that I'd rather read for them instead of the characters. Invariably you get a Chuck Austen or a John Byrne taking over your favorites, and no matter how much you love the Web-Head you get bitter from wasting money on Spider-Man comics when you should probably be throwing a couple bucks at something new like Seaguy or even X-Statix. I'm constantly re-evaluating what I want out of my comics, and should probably post more of those evaluations here. Like I've just done. If anyone cares.

A poem, by request

If I Had A Giant Robot Gorilla Suit...
By Mark W. Hale, age 25

If I had a giant robot gorilla suit I'd stomp all over town
Because stomping around is really neat
And I'd leave craters all over the place

If I had a giant robot gorilla suit you wouldn't even talk to me
Because you'd know if I sensed a threat
I'd pick up your car and drop it on your face

If I had a giant robot gorilla suit I'd eat whatever I please
Like maybe a giant robot tortilla
With giant robot cheese and taco sauce

If I had a giant robot gorilla suit the girls would sigh and swoon
Because there's nothing sexy as a robot gorilla
And if you said otherwise I'd step on your house

_______________________________________

[Perhaps the best thing about this poem was presenting it to my creative writing class. They liked it, sure, and they laughed... and then they proceeded to call it violent, sexist, a poem about male aggression and feelings of inadequacy, and one woman even said she wouldn't let her child read it. Lemme tell ya, growing up on stuff like He-Man and Thundercats, I wear that last one like a badge of honor. Also, classes to teach writing are evil; anything can be analysed to death and made un-fun, even giant robot gorilla suits. Also also, there's a big difference between typing and writing. Thanks to Amelie for her unending inspiration and for prodding me to post this for the world to see.]

Star-Fin-GAH!

(sung to the tune of Goldfinger, special thanks to Shane for pointing out this lame-ass guy)

Star-Fin-GAH!
He's the man —
The man with the stellar touch!
A stellar PUNCH!

Such a bright Fin-GAH!
Beckons you with lights on his fingertips!
He's such a simp!

Pretty lights he will shine in your face
But his helmet's a kind of disgrace
The Lightning Lad's sufferin' mind control!
It's the sparkly touch of lame ol'

Star-Fin-GAH!
Legionnaires, beware his twinkly digits!
Those digits fidget!

Pretty lights he will shine in your face
But his helmet's a kind of disgrace
The Lightning Lad's sufferin' mind control!
It's the sparkly touch of lame ol'

Star-fin-GAH!
Legionnaires, beware his twinkly digits!
Those digits fidget!
His helmet is lame!
Really lame!
So damn lame!
So awfully lame!
Really lame!
GODDAMN LAME!

FLASH! AH-AHHHH!

Mark: hey, I think I just realized something... Amelie: What? Mark: The Flash... is a guy who runs fast. Mark: What the hell? Amelie: Hahahaha. Monkey, is you on drugs? Mark: All these hundreds of comics, under his own name, spin-offs, guest appearances... he's a guy who runs fast. Mark: No! But... sheesh. Amelie: Well, he's really fast. I'm kinda fast, but not flash fast. Mark: Yeah, sure, and he can also move his arms fast and... holy moley. No wonder Mark Waid had to invent something called The Speed Force. I'd go retarded, too, if I had to write about a guy who runs fast. Amelie: But running really fast is cool. You can...get to places fast. Mark: And I've seen him run across water. That must piss Aquaman off something fierce. Amelie: Poor Aquaman. He must talk to some fish. Mark: I happen to have here an issue of the Flash where, on the cover, he's all set to race Aquaman, and Aquaman is all "Bitch, please."

Earth's Snarkiest Heroes

Found this piece of gorgeous artwork in a Comicon Pulse interview with Scott Kolins when looking for info on the Earth's Mightiest Heroes miniseries he and Joe Casey are working on. So what better way to show my appreciation for one of my favorite writers and one of my favorite artists (I liked him way back on Freex) than by fucking it up with stupid text:

Non-non-non Heinous

I wish I could say Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey was my first exposure to Evan Dorkin, but it wasn't. Maybe, technically, it was: To this day I vividly remember seeing this comic on a spinner rack in the Walgreen's in Jeffersonville, Indiana. I wanted it very badly, but had no money of my own to purchase it with at the time. And so it passed me by. Still, the desire lingered, all these years... I read Bill and Ted's Excellent Comic Book, also by Dorkin, and loved every last bit of it. But still the movie adaptation eluded me. I never saw it in a shop, never saw it again in person. But Mile High Comics came through for me. Usually, sure, they can be a bit overpriced, but if you have a pressing need to quickly fill a gap in your collection, sometimes they have stuff that's just too cheap to pass up and it's good for single issues. And now... finally... 13 years later... the Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey comic adaptation is mine. Yeah, I know they're gonna reprint it in the SLG collections. Paying a buck for a comic that's eluded me for half my life seems worth it, though. So leave me alone.

I also got a copy of Hourman #18, by Tom Peyer and Rags Morales, thus completing my I-already-thought-it-was-complete-but-I-was-wrong Hourman set. Y'know, in some parallel universe there's an Hourman/Captain Marvel crossover that's 64 pages of Snapper Carr and Rick Jones shooting the shit.

Plugs ahoy: Check out my Daredevil auctions. Volume 2. Bendis, Mack, and Maleev. Two of the six lots are already gone. IT'S A BLOWOUT!

Look, over there...!

Since I'm currently struggling to write a couple pieces for something resembling your reading pleasure, I thought I'd post a shiny thing to distract you. Thanks to Ken at Ringwood for posting the original image, like, five years ago.

UPDATE: Instead of spending the day writing, I tried to make the image funnier. Hope it worked.

Me love you no time

Well, so much for lonely American geeks scoring with Japanese chicks. They've got plenty of weirdos who won't leave their computers over there they don't want.

Because There's Something Wrong with Me...

I just bought 25 of these on eBay. Twenty-five.

(That's a pin, in case you couldn't tell.)

Also, the vile influence of Johnny Bacardi caused me to buy all nine issues of Robert Loren Fleming and Trevor Von Eden's Thriller. Of my own accord I also purchased a Gladiator/Supreme crossover by Keith Giffen and Ed Benes, and the six-issue Cy-Gor mini-series by Rick Veitch and some guy named Joel Thomas. All 'cause I can't pass up Keith Giffen (PUNX, anyone?), and Rick Veitch is equally unpassupable... except I couldn't bring myself to give Todd MacFarlane money for this Spawn spin-off. Sorry, Rick. I did buy The One and Bratpack, though. Forgive me?

Only three days left in The Great Flash Sale. They're going Fast! Har har!

This Week in Hitler Comics:

Man, the neo-nazis must be stoked there's finally a comic book cover where Hitler's not being socked in the jaw.

Does Antarctic Press publish anything sans Hitler or nazis? They're like the History Channel of comics over there. (And do people still get "stoked"?)