"Astonishing"? More like "Awesomestonishing"!

Okay, no Previews for Monkeys this month, even though I spent time actually writing stuff about all the snazzy things coming in April. Ah well. I did manage to wri-- er, find these two pages of script for Joss Whedon's upcoming Astonishing X-Men run. You can allegedly find pages 16 and 17 in the newest Marvel Previews. But here, in an INTERWEB EXCLUSIVE, you can read the NEXT TWO PAGES of what's sure to be the awesomest comic in the entire universe. Boy howdy:

PAGE 18

PANEL 1
A mind-numbingly HANDSOME MAN, of GREAT
STATURE and NOT A SPECK OF ACNE, no sir,
walks into the room. This is JOSH, aka
WEEDWHACKER, the newest X-MAN whom every-
one loves, even EMMA.

WEEDWHACKER: Hi, guys! What's going on?

ALL: Hi, Weedwhacker!

PANEL 2
CYCLOPS has his arm around WEEDWHACKER'S
BRAWNY SHOULDER.

CYCLOPS: We were just discussing our COOL
NEW COSTUMES and lamenting the loss of
PROFESSOR X.

WEEDWHACKER: Yeah, aren't these costumes
AWESOME? You don't know how long I've
waited to wear one of these!

WEEDWHACKER: I'm just sad I'll never get
to serve under the BRILLIANT and HIGHLY
COMPLEX Charles Xavier.

PANEL 3
EVERYONE raises their fist in defiant glee.

ALL: TO CHARLES!

PAGE 19

PANEL 1
EMMA sidles seductively next to WEEDWHACKER.
He can tell by the WAY SHE LOOKS AT HIM
that her passion for CYCLOPS is WANING, even
as they seek to LEAD THE TEAM TOGETHER.

EMMA: That's a COMPLETELY COOL and EFFECTIVE
BLACK TRENCHCOAT you've got on over your
costume, JOSH.

WEEDWHACKER: Thanks, Emma!

KITTY: I LIKE TOTALLY OH MY GOD LIKED IT BETTER
ON GAMBIT LOL. COPYCAT MUCH!?

PANEL 2
EMMA shoots Kitty a look, knocking her to the
floor with a PSYCHIC NUDGE.

EMMA: Gambit's was BROWN, dear. Our newest
recruit has a DEFINITE STYLE OF HIS OWN, and
is UNLIKE ANYTHING WE'VE SEEN BEFORE. If
there's anything you CAN accuse him of, it's
BEING HIP, STYLISH, and WHOLLY ORIGINAL.

PANEL 3
EVERYONE raises their fist in defiant glee.

ALL: TO WEEDWHACKER!

WEEDWHACKER: YAY!

Stay tuned...

... for an all-new Previews for Monkeys! Maybe tonight! Maybe you care! Ah, who am I kidding?

Living with genital herpes can be a hassle

I can't say how much I hate these commercials. No shit, herpes are a hassle. That's kind of the consequence for being a skanky whore, isn't it? Maybe you deserve to have a gaping stinkhole between your legs. Just guessing. Not to let the guys off the hook, but they rarely appear in any meaningful way in these ads. They just hug the girlfriend characters reassuringly, and take them for bike rides on the beach. And I'm left wondering, hey, was this the guy with the green dick that infected this poor, innocent soul? Or was she drunk in Cancun on Spring Break her freshman year at Generic U. and she's been dealing with this since then? Thank god Valtrex came along before she lost the ability to urinate without medical assistance and excruciating pain.

These commercials are ruining our society. A couple of semesters ago, after my anthropology class, I saw a small gaggle of girls sitting on the floor in the hall, and one of them was discussing... her herpes. In public. In a very busy hallway. I'm all for a free and open society, but keep your rotten virus transport to yourself.