Friday, May 07, 2004

TEEN TITANS GO! AWAY!

I've read comics off and on since I was a young child. I still have a pile of not-quite-ratty comics from the early-to-mid 1980s stuffed in a drawer somewhere, anonymously mouldering away while, for some reason, the Avengers issues comprising The Crossing storyline are tucked away safe in their plastic sleeves.

One comic not in that pile, or any pile in my possession, is the one shown here, the Keebler presentation of a Teen Titan Anti-Drug What-the-fuck-ever. Why? Because it sucked, that's why.

I'm not one of those freakazoids on the internet that recalls everything he ever read or watched as a child, so I can't provide details. (I can tell you the dog thing Punky Brewster hung out with in her cartoon was named Glowmer.)

No, all I remember is this kid's mask. I don't even know who he is. I didn't know who Cyborg, Raven, Starfire, Changeling, or Donna Troy were until years later, not to mention why it was funny that a kid named Speedy was in an Anti-Drug book. ("Anti-Drug" is capitalized in deference to Her Majesty Nancy Reagan.)

But that mask. With the hair showing through the top and the ears poking out of the sides. That mask. He's the only one wearing it on the cover, but I swear I remember almost every character in the comic as wearing a similar mask. The hair. The ears. And it covers his chin!? I remember reading only one DC comic before this one. Some Superman issue wherein he exiled himself to space. Despite this New Teen Titans comic being dated 1983, I didn't see it till sometime post-Crisis, so to be fair that was probably the first post-Crisis Superman-exiles-himself-to-space story.

So what's the big deal with that mask? That mask single-handedly put me off DC comics for years on end. In my young age, I figured "If so many people are wearing THIS STUPID FUCKING RIDICULOUS MASK, in this one comic, the rest of their comics must be filled with similar stupid-mask wearers." Brilliant, I know. And I've probably read far stupider comics since, but I stand by my declaration: That type of mask is fucking stupid.

Thank you, and good night.